Locked In A Room With Your Worst Enemy

I feel in many ways that those who suffer from depression are locked in a room with their own worst enemy. That enemy being themselves. At least, that's what my experience with the illness has been. For most of my life I've preferred my own company and didn't much care for people in general.

It's a side-effect of being a Navy brat. Being hauled across the globe to various naval bases typically means your only true friends are your immediate family, but that's only in cases where your family actually behave as such. I certainly won't say my family was the worst, far from it, I know full well there are others with worse parents. But that also doesn't necessarily mean my parents were good either. And my brother and I have always been wildly different people. So for much of my life, I was alone. And so I developed this capacity to prefer my own company.

The problem is that, rather like a marriage that's lasted for quite some time, you may find out that you don't necessarily like the person you decided to spend your whole life with. And you go from being supportive and caring to passive aggressive or outright antagonistic. And given that everyone is forced to endure their own company I think those with depression certainly develop a horrible relationship with themselves.

Even as I write this, I can hear myself berating myself for a myriad of reasons. Why did I put a silly video of a Bach song on the top? That's so hoity-toity. Are you trying to sound DEEP? Because you're coming off as a real snob.

It never ends. Really. At least for many it doesn't end well. Some of us kinda just take the verbal abuse we give ourselves and carry on like normal, and sadly some of us give into the abuse and commit suicide. Rarely do we have the courage to try and learn or rediscover what it was about ourselves that we love and cherish.

I recall a conversation I had recently with someone who also suffered from depression and they reacted to my suggestion of learning self-love as if I was telling them to be a self-obsessed jerk. That actually giving a damn about yourself is some selfish desire that must be ignored. Yet when I look at people in my predicament I can't help but feel like it is a symptom of lacking this basic function. Because we are selfish creatures, it's not some big crime or sin we are the way we were made.

Children are a great example of this. They are very self-serving creatures, they care only about their wants and needs and to hell with what everyone else thinks. Sure, you teach them to be patient, wait their turn, share, all that good stuff, but at the end of the day they know who number one is: them. And it's something not one of us adults is willing to admit is still true in all of us. We lie to ourselves that we aren't focused on numero uno.

Because we deem this view as childish. Self-sacrifice and putting your needs beneath others' are the marks of a stable adult. And granted, a little humility and compromise are fine and good, but I think for those with depression it veers far into an area where they don't even see the point of even helping themselves in the most minute of areas. And so we go from liking ourselves to becoming our own worst enemies.

Because why should I do something for myself ? That'd be wholly selfish on my part. I don't want to be a burden on other people. I don't deserve to do such a thing anyways.

Maybe it's high time you did something for yourself and only yourself? Treat yourself to something. Buy some expensive gift for yourself. Get a massage. Or just buy a big back of chocolates to treat yourself. Tell that friend of yours that no, you're don't want to help them move a heavy piece of furniture and don't bother coming up with an excuse as to why. Just do it, and apologize for not being able to help at that moment because, while you are indeed being selfish (but without this stigma that it's a horrible thing), you don't have to be a dick about it. There is a difference between being self-loving and being a selfish asshole after all. Do whatever you feel you wouldn't do because it seems self-serving to do so. Do it because you're trying to make this relationship with yourself work.

Because if you're going to be locked in a room with one person for the rest of your life, why not make it the best friend you have?